Hi there. I’m am the other half of this equation. Sarah asked that I share some of my feelings. Sharing feelings has never been completely easy for me and to add to that I have never written in a blog before. So to put myself in the open where others can read this is a bit uncomfortable, but I will do my best.
If we go back to beginning of our marriage I thought I had things under control and I knew what I was doing. At first things were pretty good. As time went on and life got more complicated and reality set in, things began to change. Our sexual relationship began to change. Intimacy began to fade. The frequency and quality of our encounters decreased. I did not understand what was going on. What was I suddenly doing wrong? I have not changed. It must be Sarah.
Everyone knows that sexual encounters feel good right? Sex between us should be no different. I would ask myself, what is wrong with her? It should feel good. It seems she had somehow developed this aversion to sex. Instigating the mood became a chore, something that was difficult. It wasn’t fun anymore. Yet I still had to deal with the my physical desires.
This went on for years, yet I did not know how to communicate my feelings in all that time. Discussions about the subject were few and far between. Looking back I can see that my thinking was way off base and I was not asking the right questions at all. The subject seemed too uncomfortable, too embarrassing to discuss. In my mind at the time I remember thinking this should not be complicated. We should just do all the things that lovers do and it should be great. What’s so hard about that?
I thought that for a long time and I just dealt with it in my own way. Just accepted it and kept going down the same road as we slowly diverged until it reached a point that our marriage was in jeopardy. When things hit rock bottom, fortunately with a lot of help and hard work we both took that opportunity to make some changes in our thinking and behaviors. Communication improved. Whole new ways of thinking were put in front of me. I finally began to understand my thinking errors and started to make corrections. At the same time I learned more about Sarah’s condition. Something I regret to say that I had not taken entirely seriously for a long time.
The effect that this condition has on the mental and emotional sides are generally obvious. However the effect on her physical state is phenomenal. Which we are still trying to fully comprehend. Amazingly enough it was not until rather recently that it came to light how much her condition played a role in the literal physical pain endured during some sexual encounters. It’s a bit liberating to realize that I really was not doing anything wrong. She was not doing anything wrong. It was simply a byproduct of the depressive state.
We have our goals with each sexual encounter. We want to feel a connection, we want to feel closer, and we want to feel pleasure, etc etc. Fill in your own. So what we are doing now is working out how to accomplish this during these times. We have to find other ways of creating those connections. We have to do it together, we cannot hide what we are feeling and what we are doing. This is what brings us together. I always want to please my wife. I want her to feel pleasure and satisfaction, but when she has episodes I have to realize that this does not always occur. So we communicate, we say what is on our mind and we cannot place blame like I always did in the past. In this way we are avoiding situations that were toxic. Our connections are far better now and much more fulfilling.
Even though we have now been married for over 25 years we are still learning, experimenting, and growing. Now, we are doing it together and I cherish our relationship and I look forward with great anticipation to the rest of our journey.