Running Away

Dirk has talked me into this high mountain trip into the Unitas. I don’t know how I’m going to do but for kicks I’m bringing my GoPro. Maybe I’ll get the courage to show you something.

I have post set up to go till I get back on Wednesday but until then please keep us in your prayers. I’ve already had two meltdowns and we just got started.

Overwhelmed

I’m doubting myself and the purpose of this blog. I wanted to help others find the humorous side and now I’m deep in my own depression. In looking at my options it’s becoming very overwhelming and confusing. Am I really helping anyone? Have I connect with any of you? Do I have the right kind of site that can make a difference? Does anyone really care about laughter and happiness while being bipolar or are they all stuck in their own crises. I admit that since going down I haven’t been that involved in the outside world. In fact I have barely gotten out of my house, into my one acre yard let alone the rest of the property. Dirk is trying to talk me into going on a camping trip over the weekend and it’s freaking me out.

It hasn’t helped that I’ve also been overwhelmed by the prospect of updating my social media. I found out today that someone who started using my branding ‘Ramblings of a Bipolar Mind” after me is getting a better response than me. Now the thought of having to change and start over is making me sad, mad and annoyed!

20/20 hindsight

The past few days has been emotionally draining. Trying to get out what I’m thinking and feeling has been hard and I also had to deal with another manic issue- my mother.

It got me thinking about when I was a kid. My mom always said I wore my heart on my sleeve and was too emotional. There were times when I would absolutely flip and lock myself in my room until my mom would push her way in and sit on me.

It suddenly dawned on me that not only was I dealing with my own bipolar illness but was probably feeding off of my mothers manic episode.

Shouldn’t be avoided pt 4

As you can tell I’m a very lucky woman, even with my faults and disorder. Like all human beings I’m trying to survive. I’ve just learned that my survival is unlike most and I’m want to share what I’ve learned in hopes that it might help others. So let’s recap.

For any good intimate relationship there are three points which must line up. The physical, emotional and mental. Like I said before any of those can be influenced by outside events. All things that can be worked on with communication, but for those who have are bipolar we have one more – chemical.

Chemical refers to our dopamine levels. We have no control over this and depending on your bipolar type can trigger depression, anxiety, fear, pleasure, pain, and many more. Dopamine can mess up both the physical and emotional.

I have rapid cycle type bipolar, so the chemical point in our intimate relationship is very hard to deal with. As Dirk stated we didn’t understand and communication was not always happening. I’m still learning to recognize when it interferes.

Remember when I said outside events can influence us. I have had to learn that when we are in an intimate moment and my pleasure turns to fear it’s not because of my past but because my chemical side has risen to high. Or if I suddenly lose interest in the moment it doesn’t mean I love my husband any less, just that my levels have dropped below the pleasure point.

We are finding are own ways to work through this but it requires communication. Our mental reason for intimacy may have to change from time to time so we can have a better relationship.

I don’t know if what we have said has made any sense to anyone. But we would love to hear feedback on how we can make this more understandable so that it can help others. If you have something to say that can be helpful on this subject please share.