I’m doubting myself and the purpose of this blog. I wanted to help others find the humorous side and now I’m deep in my own depression. In looking at my options it’s becoming very overwhelming and confusing. Am I really helping anyone? Have I connect with any of you? Do I have the right kind of site that can make a difference? Does anyone really care about laughter and happiness while being bipolar or are they all stuck in their own crises. I admit that since going down I haven’t been that involved in the outside world. In fact I have barely gotten out of my house, into my one acre yard let alone the rest of the property. Dirk is trying to talk me into going on a camping trip over the weekend and it’s freaking me out.

It hasn’t helped that I’ve also been overwhelmed by the prospect of updating my social media. I found out today that someone who started using my branding ‘Ramblings of a Bipolar Mind” after me is getting a better response than me. Now the thought of having to change and start over is making me sad, mad and annoyed!

20/20 hindsight

The past few days has been emotionally draining. Trying to get out what I’m thinking and feeling has been hard and I also had to deal with another manic issue- my mother.

It got me thinking about when I was a kid. My mom always said I wore my heart on my sleeve and was too emotional. There were times when I would absolutely flip and lock myself in my room until my mom would push her way in and sit on me.

It suddenly dawned on me that not only was I dealing with my own bipolar illness but was probably feeding off of my mothers manic episode.

Shouldn’t be avoided pt 4

As you can tell I’m a very lucky woman, even with my faults and disorder. Like all human beings I’m trying to survive. I’ve just learned that my survival is unlike most and I’m want to share what I’ve learned in hopes that it might help others. So let’s recap.

For any good intimate relationship there are three points which must line up. The physical, emotional and mental. Like I said before any of those can be influenced by outside events. All things that can be worked on with communication, but for those who have are bipolar we have one more – chemical.

Chemical refers to our dopamine levels. We have no control over this and depending on your bipolar type can trigger depression, anxiety, fear, pleasure, pain, and many more. Dopamine can mess up both the physical and emotional.

I have rapid cycle type bipolar, so the chemical point in our intimate relationship is very hard to deal with. As Dirk stated we didn’t understand and communication was not always happening. I’m still learning to recognize when it interferes.

Remember when I said outside events can influence us. I have had to learn that when we are in an intimate moment and my pleasure turns to fear it’s not because of my past but because my chemical side has risen to high. Or if I suddenly lose interest in the moment it doesn’t mean I love my husband any less, just that my levels have dropped below the pleasure point.

We are finding are own ways to work through this but it requires communication. Our mental reason for intimacy may have to change from time to time so we can have a better relationship.

I don’t know if what we have said has made any sense to anyone. But we would love to hear feedback on how we can make this more understandable so that it can help others. If you have something to say that can be helpful on this subject please share.

Shouldn’t be avoided pt 3

Hi there. I’m am the other half of this equation. Sarah asked that I share some of my feelings. Sharing feelings has never been completely easy for me and to add to that I have never written in a blog before. So to put myself in the open where others can read this is a bit uncomfortable, but I will do my best.

If we go back to beginning of our marriage I thought I had things under control and I knew what I was doing. At first things were pretty good. As time went on and life got more complicated and reality set in, things began to change. Our sexual relationship began to change. Intimacy began to fade. The frequency and quality of our encounters decreased. I did not understand what was going on. What was I suddenly doing wrong? I have not changed. It must be Sarah.

Everyone knows that sexual encounters feel good right? Sex between us should be no different. I would ask myself, what is wrong with her? It should feel good. It seems she had somehow developed this aversion to sex. Instigating the mood became a chore, something that was difficult. It wasn’t fun anymore. Yet I still had to deal with the my physical desires.

This went on for years, yet I did not know how to communicate my feelings in all that time. Discussions about the subject were few and far between. Looking back I can see that my thinking was way off base and I was not asking the right questions at all. The subject seemed too uncomfortable, too embarrassing to discuss. In my mind at the time I remember thinking this should not be complicated. We should just do all the things that lovers do and it should be great. What’s so hard about that?

I thought that for a long time and I just dealt with it in my own way. Just accepted it and kept going down the same road as we slowly diverged until it reached a point that our marriage was in jeopardy. When things hit rock bottom, fortunately with a lot of help and hard work we both took that opportunity to make some changes in our thinking and behaviors. Communication improved. Whole new ways of thinking were put in front of me. I finally began to understand my thinking errors and started to make corrections. At the same time I learned more about Sarah’s condition. Something I regret to say that I had not taken entirely seriously for a long time.

The effect that this condition has on the mental and emotional sides are generally obvious. However the effect on her physical state is phenomenal. Which we are still trying to fully comprehend. Amazingly enough it was not until rather recently that it came to light how much her condition played a role in the literal physical pain endured during some sexual encounters. It’s a bit liberating to realize that I really was not doing anything wrong. She was not doing anything wrong. It was simply a byproduct of the depressive state.

We have our goals with each sexual encounter. We want to feel a connection, we want to feel closer, and we want to feel pleasure, etc etc. Fill in your own. So what we are doing now is working out how to accomplish this during these times. We have to find other ways of creating those connections. We have to do it together, we cannot hide what we are feeling and what we are doing. This is what brings us together. I always want to please my wife. I want her to feel pleasure and satisfaction, but when she has episodes I have to realize that this does not always occur. So we communicate, we say what is on our mind and we cannot place blame like I always did in the past. In this way we are avoiding situations that were toxic. Our connections are far better now and much more fulfilling.

Even though we have now been married for over 25 years we are still learning, experimenting, and growing. Now, we are doing it together and I cherish our relationship and I look forward with great anticipation to the rest of our journey.

Depression Rocks

I want to talk about the literal mass that is pushing down on my physical form. I know it’s there- I can feel it taking away my breath and wearing me out. It hasn’t stopped my mind from working. She is still going like I’ve got strength to do all these great ideas and daily rituals. Like I know eating is important but I just hurt to much to move.

Seriously it’s times like this I wish I had a live in maid or robot who could provide- I love my dog but cuddling was even too much today.