You know how a tuning fork works? Once hit it will vibrate and resonate. That’s how my anxiety feels right now – like my whole body is trembling and on high alert. My own thoughts are enough to set me off.
Times have been rounded since I was sort of out of it but this was how crazy my night was.
12:30am – so tired, eyes keep closing while I’m reading. This is my cue that I’m ready to sleep. Turn off iPad and curl up under the sheets cozy. NOPE- my mind goes haywire and starts thinking about marbles and race track ideas. I’m now wide awake and tossing and turning.
1:10am – give up try to make myself fall asleep, start readying again.
2:30am – I’m starting to pass out. Yea! Get comfortable but now my body has turned into a personal barometer letting me know that there is an incoming front. Wide awake again tossing and turning.
3:00am – start readying again to distract me from the pain.
4:10am – That was the last time I remembered seeing before I woke up the next morning.
I’ve gotten into marbles racing and have started to dream of my own courses and games to make. Unfortunately I don’t have the marbles I use to so I was telling my husband that I needed to get some more. We were discussing the different types and sizes when he suddenly reached out and tried to pull something out of my ear as I was talking.
Me: Did you just try to find my marbles?
Dirk: (lying) No, I was fixing your hair.
Me: You know that I don’t have any to spare right now.
You know how at the beginning of some roller coasters there is that jarring pause – then the cart catches on and starts clicking… I’m pretty sure that’s where I am right now.
My parents came up to help us with some projects around our place. As the men worked outside, the women attended to the filthy layers of dog hair, dust bunnies and cobwebs that had built up since the beginning of the year – (when all the chaos started).
As we cleaned it became clear that both of us was OCD-ing and they were starting to clash. When I tried to complain about our disagreement she brought up a good point. If I was going to inherit anything I should be grateful it was the OCD and not Alcoholism – which runs rampant in my family.
I do a lot of drinking (non-alcoholic) when I’m depressed since I don’t eat – all my will to move is gone. It’s not healthy – it causes other problems both physically and emotionally for me and my family – who has to watch.
I’m glad I can’t handle caffeine – might as well as give me speed – I hate to think what alcohol would do to me.
Tonight Dirk was questioning weather I wanted orange or grape juice for my pills.
“I’ll do whatever you want. . .” He started to say until he saw me starring thoughtfully at him. “Within reason. ”
My Mind: Dang – he figured us out.