Running Away

Dirk has talked me into this high mountain trip into the Unitas. I don’t know how I’m going to do but for kicks I’m bringing my GoPro. Maybe I’ll get the courage to show you something.

I have post set up to go till I get back on Wednesday but until then please keep us in your prayers. I’ve already had two meltdowns and we just got started.

Shouldn’t be avoided pt 4

As you can tell I’m a very lucky woman, even with my faults and disorder. Like all human beings I’m trying to survive. I’ve just learned that my survival is unlike most and I’m want to share what I’ve learned in hopes that it might help others. So let’s recap.

For any good intimate relationship there are three points which must line up. The physical, emotional and mental. Like I said before any of those can be influenced by outside events. All things that can be worked on with communication, but for those who have are bipolar we have one more – chemical.

Chemical refers to our dopamine levels. We have no control over this and depending on your bipolar type can trigger depression, anxiety, fear, pleasure, pain, and many more. Dopamine can mess up both the physical and emotional.

I have rapid cycle type bipolar, so the chemical point in our intimate relationship is very hard to deal with. As Dirk stated we didn’t understand and communication was not always happening. I’m still learning to recognize when it interferes.

Remember when I said outside events can influence us. I have had to learn that when we are in an intimate moment and my pleasure turns to fear it’s not because of my past but because my chemical side has risen to high. Or if I suddenly lose interest in the moment it doesn’t mean I love my husband any less, just that my levels have dropped below the pleasure point.

We are finding are own ways to work through this but it requires communication. Our mental reason for intimacy may have to change from time to time so we can have a better relationship.

I don’t know if what we have said has made any sense to anyone. But we would love to hear feedback on how we can make this more understandable so that it can help others. If you have something to say that can be helpful on this subject please share.

Shouldn’t be avoided pt 3

Hi there. I’m am the other half of this equation. Sarah asked that I share some of my feelings. Sharing feelings has never been completely easy for me and to add to that I have never written in a blog before. So to put myself in the open where others can read this is a bit uncomfortable, but I will do my best.

If we go back to beginning of our marriage I thought I had things under control and I knew what I was doing. At first things were pretty good. As time went on and life got more complicated and reality set in, things began to change. Our sexual relationship began to change. Intimacy began to fade. The frequency and quality of our encounters decreased. I did not understand what was going on. What was I suddenly doing wrong? I have not changed. It must be Sarah.

Everyone knows that sexual encounters feel good right? Sex between us should be no different. I would ask myself, what is wrong with her? It should feel good. It seems she had somehow developed this aversion to sex. Instigating the mood became a chore, something that was difficult. It wasn’t fun anymore. Yet I still had to deal with the my physical desires.

This went on for years, yet I did not know how to communicate my feelings in all that time. Discussions about the subject were few and far between. Looking back I can see that my thinking was way off base and I was not asking the right questions at all. The subject seemed too uncomfortable, too embarrassing to discuss. In my mind at the time I remember thinking this should not be complicated. We should just do all the things that lovers do and it should be great. What’s so hard about that?

I thought that for a long time and I just dealt with it in my own way. Just accepted it and kept going down the same road as we slowly diverged until it reached a point that our marriage was in jeopardy. When things hit rock bottom, fortunately with a lot of help and hard work we both took that opportunity to make some changes in our thinking and behaviors. Communication improved. Whole new ways of thinking were put in front of me. I finally began to understand my thinking errors and started to make corrections. At the same time I learned more about Sarah’s condition. Something I regret to say that I had not taken entirely seriously for a long time.

The effect that this condition has on the mental and emotional sides are generally obvious. However the effect on her physical state is phenomenal. Which we are still trying to fully comprehend. Amazingly enough it was not until rather recently that it came to light how much her condition played a role in the literal physical pain endured during some sexual encounters. It’s a bit liberating to realize that I really was not doing anything wrong. She was not doing anything wrong. It was simply a byproduct of the depressive state.

We have our goals with each sexual encounter. We want to feel a connection, we want to feel closer, and we want to feel pleasure, etc etc. Fill in your own. So what we are doing now is working out how to accomplish this during these times. We have to find other ways of creating those connections. We have to do it together, we cannot hide what we are feeling and what we are doing. This is what brings us together. I always want to please my wife. I want her to feel pleasure and satisfaction, but when she has episodes I have to realize that this does not always occur. So we communicate, we say what is on our mind and we cannot place blame like I always did in the past. In this way we are avoiding situations that were toxic. Our connections are far better now and much more fulfilling.

Even though we have now been married for over 25 years we are still learning, experimenting, and growing. Now, we are doing it together and I cherish our relationship and I look forward with great anticipation to the rest of our journey.

Shouldn’t be avoided Pt.2

As I stated before an intimate relationship is based around three points; physical, emotional and mental. Not all three are needed for the act but when there make for a far more enjoyable experience. If pain is added to any of these areas it can affect the others. Let me explain the points better.

Physical refers to contact. From holding hands to intercourse. All intimate relationships will have some form physical contact or it wouldn’t be called intimate. We are talking about touch, feel, embrace.

Emotional is what drives us but is not logic. It what we feel or believe, from attraction to spirituality. Our emotions express us as individuals.

Mental is reason, it’s the basics of our existence. One plus one is two. The earth is round. It is the ability to know the question and find the answer.

How does this all relate? Ask yourself what is the purpose of sex? Even if you were to go with the most basic instinct of physical pleasure, it would not be an enjoyable experience for both if one was in pain.

Let me share my experience. When I’m normal (lol) sex is good! When I’m depressed or in a low sex is bad. In fact I become tight, ridged and penetration is painful and I will bleed. That’s just talking about the physical not to mention what it does to me emotionally . I have to deal with my feelings- inadequacy, resentment, fear- some are about the moment, others about the past. Then I questioned why we were having sex and my answer did not coincide with my husband. We were not on the same track and quickly diverging.

The other side of the story will be covered tomorrow.

Shouldn’t be avoided

A remark to my post last night got my husband and I talking about sex. Yes I just said the “s” word. If you are uncomfortable with this subject please don’t read on – I’m about get real deep into it here.

Any intimate relationship can be filled with pleasure and pain. I’m not talking about the fifty shades kind but a physical, emotional or mental kind.

When Dirk and I were first married sex for us pleasurable and we connected on a physical and emotional level. I can’t say that we were mentally there since we were so young and still learning about ourselves and each other. That alone is could be the start to many painful misunderstandings, but now let’s add a mental disorder to mess with the physical as well as emotional aspects of the sexual relationship.

Sexual pleasure is complicated enough when you are young and naive, and we didn’t handle it well when the disorder disrupted our time together- in fact it started to drive us apart. What was supposed to be intimate was now not enjoyable for either of us.

Because society/culture/upbringing has taught us to not talk about sex we avoided the subject and for many years didn’t understand that our intimate relationship was being altered by the disorder. I plan to talk more about that tomorrow.

I’ve spewed enough for tonight.