Going down swinging

Had a bad day today. There was an incident that happened on my chat that really upset me. By the time Dirk got home home I had already gone through my crying phase and was onto my pissed off phase.

I’m not one to fight and I apologize for offending them. But if they think they can push me into a corner with their standards they better be able to live up to them!

What do they want

My latest freak out is over our county’s fair – I want to enter into the photography contest but my luck has not been very good in the past years. Photos that have done excellent in other contest have no impact at the fair. I keep wondering what I’m doing wrong or just what are they are looking for. I can’t stand not knowing – is it a popularity contest, is it personal preference, what?!!

Heat vortex

When ever my bipolar symptoms switch rapidly so does my body temperature. I will feel like I’m burning up one moment then will start freezing the next from all the sweat. I can’t regulate my body well- putting a blanket over me or stripping off items only speeds up the cycles. I really wish there was a way to get in my brain and find out just what chemicals are causing this.

Side note- eating starts a heat up but am I eating because I’m cold or hungry? Either way the weight is not coming off.

Antisocial Alert

Today was one of those days- every stupid remark or dog stare was pissing me off. Dirk made the comment that I needed to turn off the TV so it could stop irritating me and I realized that I should probably be in my room. But really- if you move to a third world country how are earth can you be not aware of the living conditions and cost. Sometimes I wonder how theses couples were expecting – and how do they have gull to be offended when there is not electricity or running water? Do they think they are gods living better than the inhabitants?

Medical Wonder

Dirk and I were talking about the available medications compared to when I was first diagnosed. My choices were limited to five for the first few years. Now I can find a list of over fifty. That’s a big growth in the last twenty years- but is it really?

The human brain could still be considered a “last frontier” for understanding DNA chemistry – someday when we have a better way of learning each individuals chemical makeup can we create medicine that is beneficial. Unlike now where they are baiting Doctors to test their latest pill to see how many fish they can hook.

Brain on Fire

If you ever get the chance to read or watch the story of Susannah Cahalan I would highly recommend it. It gives an interesting insight into psychiatric diagnoses. Although the story is not about mental illness it certainly covers the lack of knowledge and how quick doctors are to prescribe pills.

When I was first diagnosed they tried many different pills on me – I felt more like a Guinea pig than a patient, and my body rejected most of them. Human chemistry is a fascinating thing. What works for one person can fatally harm another. Thus the reason for so many different drugs out there for doctors to test on us. Surely if something is not working then change it – but remember that no one knows your body better than you do.

Lingering Dread

An event happened about two years ago between me and another individual that could have been handled better with communication. I felt bullied and accused of “taking advantage of the situation”. I understand the other persons point of view and I can see how they may have felt that way and I thought we could work well together but they never treated me with respect or gave me the dignity of a proper conversation- I always had to have my husband around.

Even now years later I still have anxiety around this person- I have tried to be polite and friendly but can never talk to them about anything more than the weather. I don’t have a need to be liked by everyone (not everyone is compatible) but I would like to not go into panic mode or have an anxiety attack around people I’m not compatible with. Is that to much to ask?